Rebusan 03 - Life updates on 2026

Hello guys,

It’s been a while… lol.
I’m still the same old me.
Anyway, I have some good news and some bad news.

Drum roll…
THE GOOD NEWSS..... 
Yep, I got my first job last year,
THE BAD NEWSS.....
I resigned after six months. Sadly, the company and the manager didn’t really suit me.
But thankfully, I met two new friends ^^
Thanks to Ve, Mbak Cellin, and Mbak Elly—
they made my days feel lighter and more enjoyable.

Maybe I should be more careful about what I pray for. Because you know what?
I prayed to Allah SWT to get a job as soon as possible. it is my dreams.... 

And yes, I got it… but I forgot to pray for a good environment and a good manager, and a job that make me to be a good person. I forgot about that.
The thing I hate most about myself is that when life goes wrong, I start blaming Allah SWT for it,
I'm sorry.. I know I'm wrong... I commited sins...
I feel like such a bad person. I forget to be grateful for everything Allah SWT has given me.
I’m not going to lie—and I’m still trying to fix myself.

Deep down, I feel awful for being like that…
because I know I’m a Muslim, but I still can’t fully embrace my religion.
I’ve told myself a million times that... this is life—not everyone has good fortune all the time.
That’s how Allah SWT keeps everythings fair for everyone.

I feel like every time I do something wrong, I only realize it afterward… WHYYYYYY?
I blame myself for it because it shows clearly that I’m not a good Muslim. 😿😿😿😿😿😿

Whenever I try to be a better person, I do everything that I could, but it still doesn’t feel enough…
I still feel the envy toward others who are more fortunate than me, and it just makes everything worse for me.. 

I was late to realize that I’m actually lucky enough.. to live in my parents’ house, not worrying about food, and having loving, healthy parents. I should be grateful.
Allah SWT also has given me a healthy body, a healthy mind, and intelligence.
Well… I know I’m not that smart, just average.

But whyyyy I still want something more. I hate it... 
I got a job, but it wasn’t good for me. I felt helpless and lost my spirit.
My first job really made me lose myself. I became more insecure. I became someone I didn’t like—
I didn’t even realize I started talking about other people behind their backs.
I began to isolate myself from the world because everyone else seemed to be moving forward with their lives—getting married, achieving their dream jobs, having great seniors and managers but me.

I know everyone has their own struggles, and maybe it’s just a matter of time.
Maybe Allah SWT is waiting until I’m ready… but I already feel like I’ve lost myself—feeling unworthy, asking myself, “Am I good enough to get that job?”... “Will I be able to do it?”.

Back when I was in college, I believed in myself so much. I didn’t care if I failed—I thought I could always find another opportunity. I don’t know why, after graduating and working at that company, I lost my confidence.

I don’t know why, but it feels like there’s a voice in my head saying,

“Is this all you can do? "
"You can’t even do something this simple?"
"Aren’t you embarrassed?"
"Look at them—they can do this, they can do that… why can’t you?”

I really hate that voice in my head. I’ve been praying to Allah SWT to take those thoughts away…
but why are they still there?

Sometimes I feel like this is my fault… maybe it’s the result of my own mistakes… I don’t know.

I hope Allah SWT still forgives me and doesn’t give up on me.
I’m trying to fix myself… even if it takes time.
I just hope Allah SWT won’t give up on me.
I also pray for my parents’ health… and for my father’s recovery.
He has glaucoma, and my mom… I’m not sure what’s wrong, but she has been coughing every night.
I’m really afraid.

One of the reasons I resigned is because I’m worried about my parents’ health. My sister is rebellious, so I feel like I don’t have much choice—I have to be there.

I’m really worried… they are the only reason Allah SWT keeps me alive and sane.
I love my parents so much... I have no idea what's my sister have in her mind.... 

My sister always makes my parents worry. She doesn’t want to be close to them—sometimes it even feels like she hates them. I don’t know why. Even though my father and mother love her so much. They just don’t want her to fall into the wrong path… but she doesn’t see it that way.

I keep wondering… "is this my fault?", "Does my existence make my sister feel threatened?."

I feel like I carry a very heavy burden as the youngest child. I feel like I can’t be far from my parents, I can’t dream too big… it’s like I have to give in for my sister. All my life, I’ve tried not to embarrass or burden my parents. Because my sister needs more attention, my parents often have to fix the mistakes she makes... And it makes me wonder… "am I invisible to them? but I am also their child",
because they are busy with my sister. 
That’s why I try so hard not to make the same mistakes.

But the effect is… I feel like I’m no longer myself. I feel like I always have to be better, as if I’m also carrying my sister’s burden. I want to make her look good too…

But now I wonder—have all my efforts only made her feel left behind?

I regret it…
“Have I been wrong all this time?”
“Maybe it was my fault from the beginning… just for existing.”

It even makes me think… maybe that’s why my aunt dislikes me.
Maybe she hates me because I was born when my parents were already stable, while my sister didn’t have that. my aunt hate that I'm luckier then my sister… 

I don’t know why, but my aunt seems to hate me just for existing. Even the smallest things I do, she finds a way to dislike. I feel hurt and angry toward her… especially when she forced money on me that I didn’t need. She even yelled at me and called me arrogant just because I refused it. But I didn’t reject it out of pride—I just didn’t need it. My parents already support me, and I didn’t want to take more. When I do something good, I don’t do it for money… I do it because I hope for Allah SWT’s blessings.

I still remember that moment… it was when I was in junior high school.
She asked me to buy food for her new husband, so I did. But when I gave her the change, she got angry… just because I returned the change to her.

Okay… let’s save the rest of the stories for the next chapter of my diary.
It might get boring if I write everything here.